Should have sat on the couch staring at nothing

Here are just a few of the interesting faxes sent to the magazine in the past 2 weeks.

1) "Dear _,
I was recently reading your last issue and there was an article on wondering why Britney is wearing a wedding ring since her wedding was annulled and her ex has been out of the picture, well... I was sitting her and noticed that I have an issue of __ magazine-December 2003 and Britney is on the cover wearing a white halter dress AND the same exact ring! If I'm not mistaken this is before she every tied the knot!
Just wanted to give you a heads up!
Thanks for an awesome magazine to keep all of us posted on what the stars are doing!"

OMG! Not just the ring! But the white halter dress too! That is just too much great info! You have saved us so much hard, in-depth reporting and researching! A God send!
Good Lord. You really, really, really should have something better to do. Like watching All My Children, or sleeping for a couple of hours, or sitting on the couch and staring at absolutely nothing.

2) "An Open Letter to MTV
Dear Friends at MTV,
Every day the entertainment industry is a victim or senseless, brutal wardrobe malfunctions, accidents and outright Crimes.
MTV, we at Fuse are standing with you!
Even though we are competitors we think it's time to put aside our differences and take a stand. Let us not dwell on last Sunday's halftime show- the dated songs, the random crotch grabs and the senseless lip-synching. No. Let's put that all aside, and focus on the issue at hand: VELCRO JUST DOES NOT WORK.
We are also willing to donate generously to the I.F.D.A.D.A.N.T* (The Institute For the Development of Advanced Double Adhesive Nipple Tape)
Signed in solidarity,
Your Friends at Fuse
* Does not exist, but should"

This just is not funny. Not funny at all. Not one teensy weensy bit. It could have been. I mean, I see what they were thinking. But they failed, cause it's not funny. At all. And it's actually longer than this, but the parts I cut were just more shameless self-promotion.
And since it's not funny, it becomes clear that what we have here is a music video station created in MTV's image attacking MTV for a lewd half-time show. And the contradictions in this abound: Fuse is trying to come off as irreverent and funny, but is really taking MTV down for "crotch grabs," which are, in their ability to offend people, irreverent and cool, making Fuse the opposite. Add to that the sheer lameness that this letter was faxed to every tabloid and magazine Fuse could find the number for in hopes of getting press coverage for being irreverent and funny, proving they are pandering opportunists. Who aren't funny.

3) (Hand written in permanent marker without name, address, email etc). "I will boycott your products if you advertise durring the Grammy Show with Timberlake and Jackson."

Content aside, if you want to register a legitimate complaint you should make sure it's spelled correctly and doesn't look like the work of a kidnapper. As far as content goes, this magazine ran a cover of "Timberlake and Jackson," which probably should have been a hint that it could not give a shit about the ethics of breastcapade. That and the managing editor just received an "I did Justin 3 times" T-shirt from the staff. Which pretty much sums up where they stand on that. But, seeing as this magazine, like most, doesn't run commercials, during the Grammys or otherwise, I can only assume this principled, ethical individual is still a devoted subscriber.

4) Pet Potty Reveals The Newest Addition To Its Family of Products
Los Angeles, January 28, 2004. Pet Potty, a manufacturer of luxury pet products, unveiled the newest addition to their ever-growing collection of pet potties... The Mini Pet Potty design is identical to that of the original and petite models, but the size is significantly smaller. The mini, as with any Pet Potty, has a drainage system. When your pooch urinates on the Pet Potty, the urine goes through the grass into the concealed trap pan. When you water the grass you flush out the urine form the grass and into the concealed trap pan. By flushing the urine from the system you help to prolong the lifespan of the grass. Some people ask about odors, but if you empty the trap pan after every watering, and you pick up your pooches Number 2's, there should be no odor.
It looks as if Pet Potty has done it again. They have developed the most adorable, chic and sleek unit yet... The mini Pet Potty is here to help accommodate you and your pooch with his or her potty needs. After all, why should your pooch have to rely on you? They need their potties too!"

Almost no commentary necessary here. Except how could this not smell?! And if you want a self-sufficient companion you can pay no attention to, find yourself a human; dogs still need walking.